Accepting who I am vs trying to get others to

Today I blog about something I have struggled with for a long time. Who I am really, who people expect and want me to be and the feel of failure when they realize that I am not that person and cannot be.  I have always tried my best, I have learned what I can continue to try to learn more. I love art and writing I love creative projects, but when you are a single mom you can't pay bills with side projects. I have tried business ventures to supplement my income, and I realize now it is tougher then it looks. I do not have the personality for that stuff and I realized I started it up simply to try to please people who didn't need me to do that. Do I fear they will think less of me? Probably I do feel at times I burden those who care about me. I feel at times they think I should disappear and leave my kid so that he can be raised properly. Even if they do not say the words its the feeling I get. I hope I am wrong on this. 

Lately I have been trying to foresee a future for myself, my dream is to write, lately though with the realization that I do not earn enough to make ends meet has cut into my creative time. Projects I thought would take off are stalled and its all gotten to me.  Add to that that my psych appointment will not be till June of this year its been really rough.

My biggest fear is showing people exactly what I go through with my illness. not because I worry of what they think of me. But because I fear they will try to take from me the one thing I have that keeps me going. That they think they mean well but they can do better then I at caring for him. I constantly hide the tears, force myself into very uncomfortable situations because I do not want people around me thinking they need to intervene.  But I feel the stress of it all getting to me, to the point where nothing makes me happy. 

I have lost a significant amount of weight changed my lifestyle trying hard to turn things around but when faced with the constant "you can't do this" its been hard. All I want to do is make a comfortable life for my son and myself and not constantly fear being not good enough in others eyes. I am rambling now I will blog again when my thoughts are more concise.